Heather Lindsey

Behind The Veil: Hidden In Singleness

veil
I’ve been single for a little over three years and sometimes I feel like I’m in hiding. Not on purpose or by choice. I just don’t get approached my men who are looking for relationships. I’m not going to lie; singleness can be lonely and even frustrating. I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions. The highest point is when I was Miss Independent. You know the kind. The type of woman who claims she doesn’t need a man. She’s good on her own. Then at my lowest point when I was feeling down, insecure and believing the enemies lies that I was unlovable. Then I’d have months of coasting going through the days of singleness trying to “cope.” I’d sometimes pray for my future husband to appear the next day as if God was a genie in a bottle.

In a women’s Christian conference I attended called Pinky Promise, one of the speakers, Allyson Rowe, did a sermon about singleness. One thing she said that hit me was that “there is a spiritual attack on the identity of a single women.” Society may look at single women as if we are defeated or pity singles for the lack of a companion.

This causes discontentment and I sometimes find myself trying to fix myself as if I am defected. In an attempt to “fix” myself, I signed up for an online dating site. I knew the minute I finished my online dating profile and went “live” that I was working outside of God’s will. It was solely my flesh and my discontentment that got me to this website to begin with. My flesh convinced me that I was missing out and I needed to put myself out there. The first night I got so many likes, messages, and views. For me, someone who was in hiding for three years, this was an overwhelming experience. My spirit was unsettled and I was not really at peace, but I decided to test it out a little longer.

I got messages from men who were not looking for anything serious, just a good time. Heather Lindsey would call these men – randoms. These are men who were set in my path to cause distraction and to get me off track with God. I had my profile up for two weeks before I deleted it.

Then I realized God did not just hide me from these randoms, He was protecting me from the enemy’s distractions, lies, discontentment, lustful desires, sexual immorality, fornication and ungodly dating. He was covering me from all the spiritual turmoil that comes in an unequally yoked relationship (2 Corinthians 6:14). These experiences also made me think of 1 Corinthians 10:23:

“‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up.”

This made me think of a wedding veil. It hides the brides face during the wedding until her husband lifts it up to seal the vows with a kiss. Just like that veil, God is covering me until my future husband finds me. Until then, I will trust and wait patiently for my Mr. Right.

XO,

Patrice
patrice@areyoushe.com

Check out Allyson Rowe’s YouTube Video on singleness-


Pic credit- Unsplashed

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Courting vs. Dating: What’s the Difference?

I regularly get asked, “Why are you still single?” or “Are you dating someone? ” Summer time is the time for barbeques, parties and group outings –the perfect time to show off your significant other. When I go to these fun events, I’m there enjoying my barbeque alone. I know my family and friends that ask these questions are just concerned. They don’t want me to grow old and live alone. The end of June marked my two years of complete singleness. That means two whole years of no (serious) dating and no sex. I’m not going to lie– I sometimes get discouraged. But I know God has me here for a reason and doesn’t want me to settle.

Yeah, I know what your thinking “What 2 years!?!? That’s a long time!” I agree with you. Sometimes it feels like forever, but I have to remind myself I am worth the wait. And quick disclaimer: I don’t sit in my house all day. I’m actually very social. However, when I’m out, guys don’t approach me. This use to really bother me. I would question my appearance and my character. I used to think I was unattractive and not girlfriend material. But then I realized it was the devil tempting me, trying to make me discontent in my singleness. I had to rebuke that thinking and go to God. Then God told me He was protecting me. Protecting me from all the other Joes out there. He knew I deserved better and I have to believe that too. Thank God I was able to hear His voice!
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Last month, I talked to a few “friends” about dating. My “friends” encouraged me to sign up on Ok Cupid, Black People Meet and yes, even Tinder.
They told me these online dating sites aren’t just for hooking up. They assured me they know someone that knows someone that found their significant other on an online dating site. Then they’d say if I don’t find someone serious it’s ok to “just date and have fun”. Does this sound familiar to anyone? No shade to online dating. I do believe these can be useful outlets to finding a spouse. I’m talking about the people on those sites with the mindset to “just have fun.”

So what is “just have fun”? This means serial dating. Going out on dates with different men every so many days. Let them wine or dine you, then depending on how the night goes maybe you’ll see them again. If my only standard was they had to be a male and willing to take me out on a date, that would open the door for every man who walked by! Men and women who serial date are trying to fill the void of being lonely that only God can fulfill.

The more and more I take advice from these “friends”, I become discontent in my single season. But to just date around doesn’t seem like something God would want me to do. So as I seek God on this topic I studied His word, Christian articles and books to shed some light on dating and courting. Here is what I found.

Courting- Courting is dating with a purpose, with the intent to get married.

Courting is ideal in any godly relationship. Some people call it dating with the same preference as courting. This is a time where the two really get to know each other. They both can see marriage in their future and they usually spend a lot of time together. They do this while still keeping God at the center. The bible doesn’t talk about courting, but it does say, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness” 2 Corinthians 6:14. This scripture encourages believers to date believers and marry believers.

Here are a few books I read related to courting:

Dating- Dating is going out with multiple men with no real intention of marriage.

This is what people call “just having fun”. I know we’ve all done this at some point. This type of dating can also be considered “Just Talking.” Women, who do this to just have fun, typically are not in it for the long haul. They are in it for the temporary satisfaction of male attention. It can be fun for the girl but what about that man spending his money and trying to impress. They probably want something in return and if you’re not that type of girl, then you honestly just wasted their time. You may say “So what! He’ll get over it.” These actions are manipulative. Don’t string men along if your not interested. Don’t waste their time for attention, use that time and spend it with the Lord. Only God can make you whole in your emptiness.

Psalms 37 highlights two good points related to this topic-

Psalms 37:4 “ Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your hearts desires.”

 Psalms 37: 7 “ Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently from him to act…”

 To all my single Sisters in Christ out there- If you desire a spouse it will happen, be patient and know God is at work.

 

Patrice McKenzie
Patrice@areyoushe.com
photo: huffingtonpost.com